Baby Got Beard
I like big beards and I cannot lie
You dwarven brothers can't deny
When a dwarf walks in with a double ended mace
And a beard upon her face
You get sprung
You wanna get some gold
And take it back to your hold
Deep underground she's mining
For gold and it keeps on shining
Baby, I wanna mine wit' you
And make us richer
You know that I'm no phoney
'Cause that beard you got makes me so stony
Ooh, dwarven long beard
You say you wanna get in my hoard?
Well, you can, you can
'Cause you ain't that average human
I see them mining
Gold seams are aligning
She's short, swart
Got a body like a pit support
I'm tired of human males
Saying beards aren't for the girls
Take the average dwarf and he just won't care
She's gotta wear much hair
So, fellas! (Yeah!) Fellas! (Yeah!)
Has your girlfriend got the beard? (Hell yeah!)
Tell 'em to comb it! (Comb it!) Comb it! (Comb it!)
Comb that healthy beard!
Baby got beard!
I like 'em long, and big
And when I'm on a dig
I just can't help myself, I'll be there mining to the max
Now here's my pickaxe
I wanna get you home
And hoard, double-up, hoard, hoard
I ain't talkin' bout pyrites
'Cause iron is only made for fights
I want them real long and hairy
Forget designer stubble
Gryphondwarf's in trouble
Begging for a piece of that rubble
So your girlfriend goes out drinking, whole pints of ale she's sinking
But brewers don't put a filter in the ale that she's drinking
You'll never get to strain that beer
Unless you've got beard, dear
You can wear long plaits and ribbons
But please don't lose that beard
Some losers wanna play that "fae" role
And tell you that they don't need gold
So they toss it and leave it
And I pull up quick to retrieve it*
So ogres say you're small
Well I say they're too tall
'Cause your beard is long and your axe is gleaming
And your foes'll be screaming
To the fairy girls from Arcadia:
You ain't it, Miss Fae!
Give me a miner, I'll wine and dine her
Her ore's been to the refiner**
Some dragonkin's feelin' bored
'Cause his gold is in my hoard
So ladies, if the beard is long,
And you think that we could get along,
Then send a note to DIGSALOT
And bring a bag of gold
Baby got beard!
* Jurgen Hammerhand chose to omit these four lines from the firstperformance of this work, muttering something about not wanting
anything to do with something a fae has tossed.
** An obscure bit of dwarfish slang, believed to be complimentary, but not recommended for use in polite company.
All Works are © Original Author
(OC Author - Sue McKever)