The Offensive Song
By Lester, Saint Tunar The Controversial, and an Ancestor who would prefer to remain anonymous.
(Em)Once upon a time four elder (Am)races there were made
But (F)they were just crap prototypes, it's (G)time for an upgrade
It's (Em)time to roll out Version 2 and (Am)show them to the door
The (F)elves, fey, dwarves and Ologs, we don't (G)need them anymore
CHORUS
What about the (C)Elves? (They're all poncey!)
What about the (F)Fey? (They're all noncey!)
What about the (Am)Dwarves? (They're too hairy!)
What about the (G)Ologs? (They're too scary!)
(C)Come in all you Elder Races, (G)your time is up
(Am)The fat lady's singing and you (F)just can't shut her up
(C)So take the Elder Races and (G)age them if you can
(Am)The world will be our Oyster, Erd(F)reja ruled by man
(C)Elves (Poncey!)
(F)Fey (Noncey!)
(Am)Dwarves (Hairy!)
(G)Ologs (Scary!)
(x2)
The Elves were put upon the land to make the trees feel good
Companions for the timber, the branches give them wood
Damn their stupid pointy ears and silly poncey ways
We're using our incanting and we're counting down the days
CHORUS
Seelie or unseelie fey, it's all the same to me
Someone should just lock them up and throw away the key
They think that they're all glamorous, but they'll take you for a ride
They're just squeakies in pearl necklaces, from Mordred they can't hide
CHORUS
Stumpy dwarves live underground, they're hairy and they smell
No-one can see their ugly chops in the darkness where they dwell
They've got lots of gold and gems and shiny stuff they've made
The only way they'll part with it is if they think that they'll get laid
CHORUS
Stupid stupid stupid ologs have a small vocabulary
Of the Elder Races they're the dumbest of the three (... But there's four!)
Stupid stupid stupid ologs, stupid stupid ologs
Stupid stupid stupid ologs, stupid stupid ologs
CHORUS (Performed entirely in olog grunts)
The drow are not an Elder Race, but we put them in this song
'Cos we're going to have to stab them up and it's taking far too long
The men are only whipping boys with girly silver hair
The women are all grizzlers, and cute ones are quite rare
CHORUS
Drow (DEAD!)
NOTE: Kasimir and Lester disagreed on how they originally wrote the chords to go with the chorus, and no sensible record exists of who was right. Above is the way that Kasimir played it. Below is Lester's version - same chords, double the tempo.
(C)Come in all you (G)Elder Races, (Am)your time is (F)up
(C)The fat lady's (G)singing and you (Am)just can't shut her (F)up
So (C)take the Elder (G)Races and (Am)age them if you (F)can
The (C)world will be our (G)Oyster, Erd(Am)reja ruled by (F)man
All Works are © Original Author
(OC Author - The Bricks)